


tell me it's real

by frostfang



Series: more often than sometimes [2]
Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Feelings Realization, M/M, Worlds 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-27 04:35:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21386182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frostfang/pseuds/frostfang
Summary: Jinseong figures that some things are better left unsaid, even if they're so trying to reach the cold, true surface; he doesn't let them out no matter what the price is. More often than sometimes they still find a way to slip through the cracks, though, and it's the only thing he has yet to come to terms with.
Relationships: Kim "Clid" Tae-min/Park "Teddy" Jin-seong
Series: more often than sometimes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1532447
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	tell me it's real

**Author's Note:**

> special thanks for j.; my best friend and the only person that kept me up all night just so i could finish this piece. i hope you get better soon.
> 
> i apologize for any mistakes in advance, this work is purely a product of my sadness after this year's worlds. hope you enjoy it regardless, dear reader! T_T
> 
> the title's from tell me it's real by seafret!

"I told you it's too early!" Taemin whines. Jinseong rolls his eyes and looks around, trying to spot anyone; unfortunately, they're alone in the team room, so Jinseong fears that things might get awkward quickly, especially after their morning cuddling session.

He unlocks his phone and checks the texts. "Coach says the rest probably slept in. He went out to get some proper milk."

"You're finally gonna be able to satisfy your caffeine addiction, incredible," Taemin comments sarcastically.

Jinseong can clearly hear the annoyance in his voice, but the initial reason seems unknown, and he's not the one to ask. It couldn't possibly be the fact that they had to part their ways so early in the morning - Taemin's never complained about it in the past, so Jinseong forgets the possibility as fast as it tries to bloom. 

He squints for a second, trying to figure out if it's really just seven in the morning. The clock seems to agree, the arrow moving slowly towards the number. 

All of a sudden, the sofa feels so comfortable - Jinseong would be lying if he said that he's not in the mood for more sleep, no. In fact, he's positive that he could literally hibernate for at least ten more hours until the jet lag wears off and he's able to interact normally with people again. 

With a silent sigh, Jinseong rests his head on the armrest. Eyes closed and hands placed on his abdomen, he figures its quite hard to bring back the memory of Taemin's arms around him, one hand softly stroking his hair and the second one placed firmly on his waist. He thinks about the younger giving him one of his sweetest smiles instead, one he doesn't even comprehend looks like it has the power to radiate the light travelling through whole galaxies, one that brings warmth on a cold December night.

Except when Jinseong does, in fact, give into it - the visualization comes out as nothing but a faint wish that seems like a one-time wonder, so he buries it in the deepest corner of his mind and throws away the key. 

There's something in the way it feels, though, so wrong yet so right, that Jinseong can't help but lose himself in the moment. Further, deeper, harder. To the point when there's no return and his heart is the only one beating, delicate thumps bouncing against his ribcage like echo-

"You wanted to get here as early as possible just so you could go back to sleep?" Taemin raises his eyebrow. "Should've told me earlier. I wouldn't even bother getting up."

"As I said, the rest slept in," Jinseong answers again, a bit annoyed by the sudden interruption. He just can't figure out what's the matter with Taemin, no matter how hard he tries. "They'll get here in a bit."

Taemin huffs. "Right."

Jinseong's eyelids flutter open for a second when he hears shuffling - he observes carefully as Taemin unpacks his bag and pulls out the keyboard, plugging the usb cable to the port; there's apparent irritation to Taemin's movements, but Jinseong decides not to ask nor bite back with anything, either. He doesn't want to fuel the flame more than he has already, so he turns onto the side and lets out a quiet sigh.

He tries to ignore the unsettling feeling in his chest. It's as if someone's sticking tiny needles into his heart, and the pain is barely there, but still noticeable. Despite being new to the picture, they're getting hard to bear.

* * *

  
Jinseong doesn't even know how he'd managed to fall asleep again - but when he realizes he did, he groans helplessly.

It's the cold sweat running down his neck that snaps him out of his confusion; Jinseong runs a hand through his hair. With trembling fingers, he latches onto the strands, trying to calm his racing heartbeat at least a little.

He's breathing heavily, the memory still fresh on his skin. He lets his thoughts wander around for a second before they settle onto something that Jinseong would never admit to be thinking about - the blush on Jinseong's cheeks creeps onto them slowly, gradually, like a blossoming flower. 

He stands up and turns his computer on, jumping into a game quickly.

Jinseong just hopes that it will go unnoticed. He'd be in so much trouble if anyone found out right now - though he knows it's utterly irrational for anyone to read his mind, the fear of being exposed is so thrilling that it sends a wave of shivers down his spine.

Everyone's focused on practicing, so they don't really pay attention to anthing else other than their computer screens; it's both a blessing and a curse now, really. Jinseong wouldn't know what to do if someone noticed that he's panicking internally. 

  
  
He tries to focus on the game - it's lost, anyway, but Jinseong decides that he really needs to shift his focus onto something else, just to get his mind off of this. He curses silently under his nose upon missing two skillshots in a row, the frustration slowly rising in his gut like a tide.

As it turns out a while later, after a consecutive loss streak of seven games, the idea was doomed from the start. Jinseong could take a huge frying pan and score a painful shot of reality onto his head, and yet, he would still have doubts whether or not it'd actually do anything in terms of ereasing the dream from his mind.

And quite honestly, Jinseong just wants to scream. The sheer frustration has reached its peak, now bubbling in his gut like scalding water. Mixed with the undeniable arousal, it's never a good sign. 

He closes the league client with one swift motion and buries his face in his hands, trying to calm down for a second time this day. Between all the sensations, he feels a cold hand on his shoulder, and it suddenly makes him aware of his surroundings even moreso than before.

"Rough day?" Comes Sanghyeok's voice from behind, soft and careful. Jinseong looks up and nods.

His voice is feeble. "Like hell."

"I see," Sanghyeok replies, furrowing his brows. The crease between them makes Jinseong so, so uncomfortable, but he figures out he's better off keeping his mouth shut for now. "Take an hour off and try to ease up, Jinseongie. We still have scrims in the afternoon. I'll talk to coach."

Jinseong nods again, bringing his gaze down onto the ground. When Sanghyeok finally leaves the room after what feels like forever, he sighs deeply and leans back in his chair. He closes his eyes, face still buried behind his palms.

He can't possibly be this close to a breakdown, after all. It was just a dream - a very short one to be exact - visualizing a situation that's entirely impossible to happen. Or, at least, Jinseong keeps telling himself that just for the sake of holding onto the last string of his sanity.

The thought of Taemin's lips, so pink and plump, moving against his own while Jinseong is on his lap keeps flooding him. The touch feels as if it was here, still - with every heatwave washing over Jinseong's body like a tide returning to the shore over and over again, everything he's up to becomes slowly apparent.

Jinseong stands up quickly and leaves the room in a hurry, earning a worried glance from Sangho.

* * *

"Jinseong, wait!" 

The footsteps become louder and faster once Jinseong stops walking. It's one of the worst moments to talk about what happened earlier, but he spins around on his heels nonetheless and clenches his jaw.

"Here you are," Kkoma leans forward, placing his hands on his knees. His expensive trousers look a little too tight on him, but Jinseong decides not to comment on that. "Sanghyeok said something happened and you needed some time alone, but I wanted to make sure you're okay first."

There's apparent concern in his voice, at it makes Jinseong want to crumble down into tiny pieces. The fact that he's bothered one person by his actions already is enough to be ashamed, let alone spilling his heart out to the man that's supposed to reflect on his mistakes in-game, not in life. 

"I'm okay, coach," He assures. "I think I just need to take some medicine to calmdown the nerves."

"Okay," Kkoma sighs and straightens his back. Jinseong can't shrug off the guilt tightening its fingers around his neck. "Remember you can always talk to me about anything, yeah? It's important to be as transparent as possible in our job."

He nods and curls one corner of his mouth upwards. "Thank you, coach."

"Go and rest now, I'll see you in an hour motivated and ready to conquer," Kkoma says optimistically, with one of his hands clenched into a fist. Jinseong watches his silhouette as it disappears behind the corridor and inhales deeply.

With mind foggy and legs feeling like they could fail him at any second, Jinseong returns to his - and Taemin's - room and falls face-flat onto the bedsheets as soon as the door shuts close.

* * *

  
Quite frankly, this wasn't the first time Jinseong had a dream like this. It happened after almost every time they'd shared a wholesome amount of skinship. Looking back at each one of them now, Jinseong doesn't recall the thoughts ever being so graphic and feeling so real, ever being able to recall them so clearly. 

It makes his skin tingle with a burning sensation - the flame's growing, filling his heart to the brim. He accepts both the fact that he's completely, utterly fucked and the defeat laughing in his face like an ugly circus clown. Jinseong doesn't have the strength to laugh along anymore.

Falling a victim to his own feelings wasn't anything Jinseong had planned at all. He'd tried to resist for so long, but it seems like the thread he's been holding onto for all this time has finally snapped under the pressure, leaving Jinseong lost in the spiral of his own thoughts. He knows too well that he needs to focus, his form at worlds should be at least top tier, completely numb to making any sort of mistakes. But separating private life from work is a though task to master, especially when the object of his interest shares both environments with him.

The object of interest. Jinseong winces at the possibility of having feelings for Taemin, but not exactly because he's afraid of it - the thing he fears the most are his teammates' reactions if they ever found out about this. How disgusted they would probably be, how they would look down onto Jinseong. He wouldn't want to risk their careers just because he's stupidly, undeniably in love with Taemin.

In love. The realization that he does, in fact, like the other in a different way than friends like each other grips his heart with its hand and throws it into a pit of poorly lit flames - it being the strongest out of them, giving Jinseong a bit of hope that eventually, after a while, it's going to fade away into ashes.

Being completely honest with himself, Jinseong is scared it will actually become even stronger. 

The scrims go surprisingly well. Jinseong manages to find the focus he's lost earlier while practicing and keep it, all while providing a steady, consistent gameplay even when they fall behind in the last game, and the win is still far away from the team's grasp. With a little help from Sangho, he works out a lead for both of them in the rest of the games, earning a praise from the enemy botlaner when they part their ways with the scrimming team. 

  
If anyone knew what's going on in Jinseong's mind, they wouldn't be as quick to throw so many good words. He leans back in his chair and recalls Kkoma's words. You can always talk to me about anything, he said. It's important to be as transparent as possible in our job. If only this was as easy as it sounded. 

  
"Jinseongie?" Jinseong hears Taemin's voice next to him. It makes him snap out of his daze faster than he'd imagine. "You okay?"

No. You've been keeping me on the edge since last week, Jinseong wants to say, but he bites the inside of his cheek to stop himself from answering in such manner.

"Yeah," He says, the tone of his voice a tad more emotionless than usual. "I'm just a bit tired."

Taemin decides not to comment on the way Jinseong answers him, though. "You're pale," He furrows his brows. "Are you sure you're not getting sick?"

Jinseong can hear the care, and it makes him want to scream the truth out and just get it off of his chest. It's kind of getting hard to bear, the constant need to pretend that he's alright.

Instead, he shakes his head in response, earning a sigh from the shorter.

"Sorry about earlier," Taemin purses his lips. "I didn't mean to... snap so bad."

Jinseong actually hesitates for a moment before he brings his gaze up and rests it on Taemin's face - his eyes trace around the soft, round edges for a second before dropping back onto his hands, all but relaxed.

"I'm not mad," He assures the younger. "Don't worry about it."

Jinseong figures that some things are better left unsaid, even if they're so trying to reach the cold, true surface; he doesn't let them out no matter what the price is. More often than sometimes they still find a way to slip through the cracks, though, and it's the only thing he has yet to come to terms with.

The truth is, he doesn't know where they stand. The signs are both here and not present at all. It's easy to cuddle up post-game in a room, completely exhausted and in desperate need of minimum rest - it's easy to rest a head on one's shoulder before a game in a comforting manner. It's easy to wrap arms around one's neck while watching vods from previous matches while they're still in the pre-game room. It's easy to do all of those things, Jinseong thinks.

The only thing that seems somewhat difficult is to actually figure out where they stand between all of this. Jinseong's completely, undeniably scared that this might just be an indicator of how close they are platonically and he's reading too much into it. 

Whatever this might be, Jinseong's not really sure if he can cope with the current pace. He's afraid it might take a wrong turn before crashing into an obstacle that's too hard to bypass.

* * *

  
Against their own will and much to almost everyone's surprise, they don't manage to run through the quarters and semis miraculously. The defeat comes fast and slices through the mind with its freshly sharpened blade, laughing in everyone's face like a naturally born comedian - except Jinseong is far from joining it in the act, regret washing over him even if he tries to stop it.

It's the toughest pill to swallow out of everything that happened up to now, and Jinseong can't help but blame himself for the vast majority of it. He should've focused beter. He should've pushed everything that was on his mind further back, he should've known better than to waste time on overthinking. 

And it feels like it's not enough, still. Like there's actually something more to it, something that's entirely his fault and nobody else's. 

Jinseong looks over to the other chairs only to notice that everyone's already packed up their things, leaving as soon as they got the chance to. He can't bring himself to spare a glance towards Taemin, all because Jinseong can hear the sniffing and shuffling coming from the direction he's at.

And quite honestly, Jinseong just wants to hug him and tell him that it's alright even if it's not, even if it's clearly apparent that they failed everyone's expectations - but he can't do so with cameras still rolling around, filming every second of their breakdowns.

It makes him angry. The frustration that kept piling up earlier is now desperately trying to pierce through the calm reflection on his face, but Jinseong doesn't let it out once again. He clenches his jaw and picks up his keyboard along with the mouse, taking one last look at the crowd.

He doesn't look back.

* * *

  
Jinseong doesn't need to ask for it. As soon as they return to the backstage after the press conference, he's got a pair of hands clutching tightly onto his uniform and a mop of black hair tickling his neck. At this point, Jinseong feels like his heart has become a skimming stone, waiting to be thrown back into the water yet still burning away in the pit. Noone's been brave enough to reach out a hand for him, sadly.

"We lost," Taemin says quietly. "Jinseong, we lost, I wasn't enough, I should've-"

His voice keeps breaking more and more after each word, and it makes Jinseong's heart hurt more than the fact that they did actually lose. It's unbelieveable in a way, Jinseond admits, but he also isn't surprised by it in the slightest. Truthfully, he's expected it.

Jinseong doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around Taemin's shoulders and give them a gentle squeeze. He brings one of his hands to rub at the other's back, trying to comfort him, but really the only response he gets is far from the one he wishes for.

The smaller body in his arms starts to shake, and he doesn't know how to act. "Taemin-ah," He tries to keep his voice as calm as possible. "It's okay. You're enough. You're more than enough," He continues, resting his chin on top of Taemin's head.

Upon letting out a quiet sigh and realizing that there's nothing much he can do aside from just being there, Jinseong's eyes wander around the room, searching for a sight of anyone - and when they meet Sehyeong, he notices the guilt in the stare. It's also full of compassion, and Jinseong feels like it's crushing him into the ground albeit not intending to do so.

Sehyeong clears his throat. "I'm going back to my room," He says, his fingers latching onto the large strip of his bag. "We have to pack up our things. You guys better hurry up, too, so you don't have to rush it in he morning."

Jinseong nods and watches as he leaves. The older shuts the door a tad too loud, but he has no heart to remark that, especially now. 

  
As they both approach the elevator, Jinseong a few steps behind Taemin, he feels the tension in the air starting to build up. He doesn't know how to explain it, but the feeling burns and burns, almost like wildfire; the pit has swallowed him whole, Jinseong figures. He sucks in a breath and follows the shorter albeit the struggle to clear his mind from everything that they've been through in the past few days.

Taemin pushes the correct button and lets his back rest against the metal handrail. The ride's short, and Jinseong keeps his head down, afraid to speak up. 

Taemin yanks him down by his collar when they're almost in front of the door of their room and brings their lips together. It's abrupt, uncertain, and Jinseong's taken by surprise; he stands still for a good few seconds before closing his eyes and reciprocating the gesture. His hands travel up to Taemin's face, cupping it gently. Jinseong's fingers stroke Taemin's round cheeks softly before pathing all the way down to his waist and settling here for good.

Cold fingertips graze along the hot, burning skin, and Jinseong finds himself enjoying the quiet whimpers escaping Taemin's mouth. Each one of them fuels the flame bit by bit, assuring Jinseong in the fact that he's been swallowed by it whole up to this point.

He should worry about someone possibly seeing them now. They shouldn't be doing this here, and at all, yet he can't help but give in more and more each second.

Jinseong gives in with all he has, diving deeper and deeper into the pits of warmth and lust. He pushes Taemin against the hard, wooden surface of the door and sighs into his mouth.

Taemin keeps pulling him so, so close that Jinseong feels like the breath has been knocked out of his lungs for far too long now. Lips on lips, they move in harmony so easily, almost as if they were always destined to meet. He admires and savours every second of it, like a tree that's been left without water for too long, finally welcoming the rain with open arms; Jinseong welcomes Taemin in his own in the very same way.

"Taemin-ah," He breathes against the younger's lips as they pull apart. "We should probably-"

"In," Taemin orders, cold fingertips brushing against Jinseong's nape. "Now."

Jinseong doesn't recall opening a door so fast ever in his life.

  
Under the dimmed lights, Taemin's legs guide Jinseong to his bed; when the back of the younger's knees hit the soft matress and he falls down onto it, Jinseong makes sure to climb onto his lap. The familiarity and rush in their movements makes his skin tingle; Jinseong threads his fingers through Taemin's hair roughly.

With a moan, Taemin's eyelids flutter open. "W-wait," He croaks out. "Coach's room is literally next to us."

Jinseong's gaze is still locked on the younger's red lips, so invitating. They're luring him in, but Jinseong resists the urge to resume their kiss and climbs off Taemin's lap with a quiet sigh.

"Great," He grumbles, fiddling with his fingers. 

Taemin straightens his back and clears his throat. "So.. I think we need to talk."

"About?" Jinseong raises his brow. He takes off his glasses and places them on the nightstand, avoiding any touch; all of a sudden, it feels extremely akward, and he's not sure if we wants to deal with it tonight.

"What just happened," Taemin answers bluntly. He reaches out for Jinseong's hand and takes it into both of his, forcing the older to tilt his head into his direction. "And more importantly, why you didn't just.. push me away."

"What am I even supposed to say? What do you want to hear?" Jinseong throws his free arm in the air, gesturing exasperatedly. He feels helpless and exposed, the fact that he has to clear things out now keeping him on the edge.

"I.. literally dreamt about this for weeks," He adds, quiet. "Jesus... it's so awkward. I never told you anything cause I was scared on how you'd take it - what kind of guy falls in love with his teammate, really-"

He spares a glance towards Taemin. The younger's frowning and he looks like he's still processing everything; Jinseong decides not to disrupt him but to continue albeit being extremely frustrated, still. He might as well just let it out now and deal with the regrets later.

"I'm sorry, I.. as soon as I realized it, I panicked," He takes a deep breath. He lowers his head, shameful yet with hope that the other will understand, after all. "I thought everyone was going to figure out. Couldn't let that happen."

Taemin's been staying silent for the entirety of Jinseong's outburst, but the blonde doesn't mind, really - he's much more surprised when Taemin finally opens his mouth and breaks the one-sided silence.

"Is that why you've been acting so weird? Why didn't you tell me?"

Jinseong blinks once. He blinks twice, and then again upon hearing the question, hesitating heavily on how he should answer. "I thought you were just being extremely touchy and it was platonic-"

"You're an idiot," Taemin sighs. "I don't ever, ever cuddle up to anyone else. Nor even hug them."

"Oh," Jinseong tilts his head back. "Oh. That's why you were so pissed that morning."

"Yeah," The shorter scratches the back of his head. 

If life was a movie, Jinseong would scoot closer and envelop Taemin in a hug, the kind of hug that he'd already given to him earlier. Caring, protecting. He'd capture the smaller body in his arms and hold it close, keeping it safe and sound - all while feeling like a huge weight has been finally lifted off his shoulders - but it's not really the time for it now. He's sure that things are already getting too awkward, as well as the atmosphere around them. 

When Jinseong finally lifts up his head to look at the other, Taemin's gaze is still riveted on him. He can't help but wonder if the younger expects him to say anything else or just forget about this entire thing. Carry on like nothing ever happened, just like Jinseong used to brush off everything they used to do together up to now.

The silence that follows isn't uncomfortable, though. Surprisingly, it's oddly calming; Jinseong doesn't mind it. 

Taemin's beats him to the gesture - with certainity, he pulls at Jinseong's hand and releases it from his hold, only to wrap both of his arms around the older's shoulders. Jinseong buries his face in the crook of Taemin's neck, fingers clutching onto his t-shirt. Relief pulls at his heart strings softly, and it's oddly comforting.

"Does this mean-" He starts, but Taemin doesn't let him finish.

"I like you too," Taemin whispers close to his ear. "We can finish what we started in the shower, by the way. The bathroom is soundproof," He adds with a breathy laugh, and Jinseong groans loudly.

"Shut up," He hits Taemin on the shoulder, earning a wheeze from him. Upon looking up and noticing the younger's smile, he can't help but return it; the loss doesn't hurt as bad now, because it came with a gain.

Jinseong's heart is brimming.

**Author's Note:**

> if you've made it this far, thank you. you're the best. really.


End file.
